Monday, August 22, 2011

Growing Up

Today has been a day filled with mixed emotions. While I am thrilled that my boys are starting school and even more thrilled that they are super excited about it, my heart hurts just a wee bit. It's happening too fast.

Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. Ian asks me all the time what I liked to play with when I was a little girl. I loved playing with my dolls, because I could be their mommy. As I grew up, I became more driven, goal oriented. I had a plan. I was going to go to college, get married, work for 2-3 years and then have one boy and one girl (in that order)...all before I was 30. I always planned to work after having children...again...driven.

But, God had other plans for me. I won't bore you with all of the details, but I didn't have children before I was 30 and as a matter of fact, I was only able to conceive one time and that baby is with Jesus. After that, I, again, being goal oriented and driven decided that we were done with all of that nonsense. I convinced everyone, including myself, that I no longer wanted children. But deep down...way deep down, I still longed to be a mommy.

In 2004 at Molly's first birthday party, life changed. We began the paperchase to our fulfulling my dream of becoming a mommy.

I think about where we were 6 years ago today. We were waiting on pins and needles for a referral of a baby boy from India. We had been on the waiting list for 11 months and my patience was wearing thin. 18 days later, on September 7th, 2006 we saw a itty bitty picture of our baby boy. Five months after that, I held Ian for the first time. I WAS a mommy. Words cannot express my feelings on that day. Those of you who have had children biologically or through the miracle of adoption know this feeling.
Three years later....the same feeling when I held Drew for the first time. But, it was different that day. Holding my sweet baby Drew for the first time....I knew our family was complete.

Now, here we are. First day of school. First day of first grade and first day of Pre-K. My babies are growing up. This dream that I had, of being a mommy, is taking flight and slipping away too quickly. I will always be their mommy...but I'd like to keep them little for just a few more seconds. Don't think for a second that my babies are perfect....they are not. Every day they drive me crazy.'s a crazy that I love.

I'm still driven, I'm still goal oriented....but most importatly....I'm still a mommy. 


Leveta said...

I can so relate to everything you said. We lost our first child with SIDS and then a year later we had Chad and then a miscarriage after that.I am so glad that God placed in our hearts to adopt.Chad is 19, Sam is 15 and and Kaitrin is 12 and just started 6th grade.I would also keep my kids little and at home all the time if I could.

Lisa said...

I know exactly what you mean! I will totally be the mom that loses it when I drop my little guy off for his first day of school, when that time comes. The pictures of your boys today are just precious! Congratulations on a successful first day!

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